Girl Talk: The Time I Accidentally Ordered A $175 Steak On A Date
A few years back, I enjoyed a dream-like experience. It was like something out of the most ridiculous rom-com starring … oh, let’s say, Amanda Seyfried as me, the protagonist, and Channing Tatum as...
View Article7 Tips For Initiating Sex With Dignity
Let me tell you about a thing that happened to me once: It was 2004. and I was 25 and out to dinner with a guy I’d been casually seeing for awhile. I was under the impression that, following our...
View Article10 Fictional Characters (Besides Don Draper) I’d Like To Have Sex With
This past weekend, I was driving from Chicago to Wisconsin for a friend’s wedding when I spotted a billboard – admittedly advertising some sort of Christian cause – that said, “All our dreams can come...
View Article5 Methods For Surviving Your Younger Sibling’s Wedding When You’re Single
This summer, my younger brother is getting married. (I would like, before going any further with this subject, to state in no uncertain terms that I very much like the young lass he’s chosen for his...
View ArticleDealbreaker: He Lied About His Height
In the summer of 2006, after having recently endured a breakup, I decided to bite the bullet, finally hopping on the online dating bandwagon. I chose Nerve as the site, and “Sara_B” and “This is really...
View ArticleIf You Must: 4 Ways To Back Out Of A Date You Really Don’t Want To Go On
So here’s the sitch: There’s a date in the date-books, and one half of the twosome in question no longer wants to go. We’ve all been there, on either side of things. We’ve been canceled on, when we,...
View ArticleDealbreaker: He Wanted Me To Be His Pimp
On occasion, I get mildly – just mildly – depressed. That sort of depressed where you can’t quite pin it on one particular thing, where it’s more a general, ambiguous malaise. On the occasions when I...
View Article4 Ways To Scare The Crap Out Of Your Boyfriend
Ladies! Hello! I know I’m three and half months early for Halloween, but that doesn’t matter. Why not grab the bull by the horns, and start talking scare tactics? Scare tactics for your boyfriend, that...
View Article3 Grudges I Will Never Let Go Of
I’ve never been good at confrontation. Who knows why this is – fear of anger, abandonment, a literal pie to the face – but the interesting (read: TOTALLY PREDICTABLE) thing about it is: The Grudge. Not...
View Article25 Types Of Olympic Athletes And The Reasons To Have Sex With Them
So here we are, approaching the end of the 2012 Summer Olympics. What a wild ride it’s been, eh? From the Queen parachuting out of a helicopter, to Jordyn Wieber’s heartbreak, to Ryan Lochte’s tacky...
View Article8 Good Reasons To Have A One-Night Stand
I am presently in a relationship, and I hope it goes the distance. I’m 33, I like him, I’m ready. Before I reached this impressively adult position, however, I had my way with a series of gentleman...
View ArticleDealbreaker: He Asked Me To Pee On Him
In college, I was madly in love with a guy named Elijah who looked like Denzel Washington. We were both undergraduate acting majors, and I spent the whole of freshman year ogling his perfect face, and...
View ArticleThe 4 Weirdest Places I’ve Masturbated
The first thing you need to know is that I didn’t start masturbating until the age of 17. I’d gone through the ol’ puberty at 12 – I’d felt the universal stirrings down below – but it took me that...
View ArticleDealbreaker: He Wore Three Condoms
I am a woman 33 years of age who practices safe sex. But it wasn’t always that way. As a woman of 19, 20 and 21, I was in no uncertain terms an idiot where safe sex was concerned. Sometimes I forced a...
View ArticleThe Worst Things That Can Pop Into Your Head During Sex
My parents raised me with a certain set of values: 1) The sunny side of the street causes headaches, 2) Lateness is rude and disrespectful, 3) No one wants to see photos of another person’s vacation....
View ArticleDealbreaker: He Took Me To Chipotle
Two years ago, I was at my local coffee shop when I spotted a certain gentleman, and after a series of boring events he and I wound up having sex. It was mostly uneventful, except for the fact that...
View Article3 Apple Geniuses Confess: What’s The Weirdest Thing You’ve Ever Seen On...
A few months back, I had a horrifying experience at an Apple Genius Bar. My computer died while I was in the midst of the some important business, and try as I might, I couldn’t bring it back to life....
View ArticleTrue Story: My Boyfriend Proposed By Putting The Ring In The Toilet
Hello there. How are you? Good? Good. I’m good too. Why? Because: I just got engaged. My man got down on bended knee, and offered up a FANCY ring. In the words of Beyonce: He liked it. And so he put a...
View ArticleDating Don’ts: 3 Pre-Date Rituals That Can Go Terribly Wrong (And How To Fix...
They say no good deed goes unpunished, and I agree. I’ve seen plenty of evidence in my own life: For example, one time, I baked a pie for my then-boyfriend, and his two best friends. They were coming...
View ArticleExperiment! In Which I Test The Penis Size/Shoe Size Myth On Male Porn Stars
I am a writer. Having said that, I ask that you bear in mind how broad that category is. I call myself a writer, and so does Philip Roth. So does my personal public enemy #1, a young woman I met in...
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7 Ways To Know If You’re Peeing Or Squirting
Allow me to be bold: I love masturbating. LOVE. “Then why don’t you marry it?” you ask. And I respond: “Believe me, gal, I would if I could. I would if I could.” I figured out the business at age 17,...
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5 Relationship Draw-Outs To Avoid
Draw-out \‘dro\ \’aut\ n. pl draw-outs : An event that prompts you, dear lady, to prolong a relationship you know you ought to end. If there’s one sure thing besides death and taxes it’s that you,...
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10 Tempting Reasons To Think He’s The One (Even If He’s Not)
I am pathetic for reasons too numerous to count, so for the moment, let’s focus on just one: I watch a stupid amount of daytime TV. So that means I’m well-schooled in various bits of contemporary pop...
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5 Common Types Of Female Farts
Allow me to be all at once bold and competitive: I’ve got the worst gas of anyone you’ve ever met. If society was somehow different, and my … gift, let’s call it, was better valued, I would be your...
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8 Things You Didn’t Know About Sex Robots
So maybe you’ve seen the stuff about the dolls: “Lars and the Real Girl”, “My Strange Addiction.” You are probably up to date on your objectum sexuality: The “30 Rock” where James Franco’s in love with...
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First Time For Everything: Dancing At Coyote Ugly
Here’s a thing I can promise: If you invite me to your wedding, your other guests will comment on the quality of my dancing. It’s inevitable. I’ve never been to a wedding where the thank you note for...
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The 4 Weirdest Things Ever Said To Me During Sex
As a woman 32 years of age who has spent as much time single as she’s spent attached, boy oh boy do I have tales from the field. (And by “the field,” I mean the casual sex/dating circuit.) One thing...
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First Time For Everything: Anal Beads
Years ago, in my early 20s, I dated a guy named Mike. Now Mike, by all accounts, was heterosexual. Perhaps you’re thinking, Um, hello? Duh. Of course he was. He was dating you, and you’re a woman. But...
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Girl Talk: I’m A Compulsive Zit Popper
I have a confession to make: I’m a popper. Not a popper of pills, mind you. I am a popper of pimples. I know that’s gross, and I’m sorry. However, I do think that, at the very least, I owe it to you,...
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First Time For Everything: Kissing A Girl
Let me start by giving you two conflicting pieces of information: 1) I consider myself heterosexual, and 2) At the age of 13 – while in the violent throws of puberty – I saw the iconic Vanity Fair...
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6 Ways To End A Sex Drought
When it rains, it pours. You hear it all the time, and the implication, of course, is that there’s also a flipside: When it’s dry, it’s dry for ages. This is especially true when it comes to sex. Often...
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The 4 Weirdest Places I’ve Ever Had Sex
I was a late-in-life virgin. I’m not talking one of those extreme ones – 30 years old, 35, etc. – I mean, like, 23. So does that qualify? Not really. But my point is that most of my friends went about...
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The 4 Worst Boners I’ve Encountered
Back in 1992, at the age of 13, I went on an exchange program to France and fell madly in love with a boy named Guillaume. Guillaume Boner. (“Boner” pronounced in the French style, Bone-errrr, emphasis...
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Girl Talk: My Grandma’s Vibrator Gives Me Hope
A decade ago, my grandmother, then 82, broke her hip. Her recovery involved a month in the hospital while she learned to walk comfortably again, a month that drove my mother, my grandmother’s sole...
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Girl Talk: On Farting And Feminism
In my new book, The Harm in Asking, one of the chapters, “The Boogie Rhythm,” is dedicated entirely to the topic of farting. To be a bit more specific, it is all about what we, as women, go through...
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